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be my escape- relient k
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Title:
Comments:
Was desperately trying to post my entry up last night, but blogger screwed up. Anyways, here's the entry, one day late.
So this is how the soul dies, a little bit at a time.
A hundred conflicting emotions are raging inside my head, and my heart seems to be beating out of control. The noise, and the crowd fades away to nothing and suddenly I can hear myself breathe. That laboured, struggling breath as I fought to get a grip on myself. I turn away, towards the windows and its view of the field outside, my mind drifting away into the velvet black sky. All at once, the world seemed a little darker, the dawning darkness a little more menacing. Never a child of the day, I’ve long seek solace in the arms of the night. Staring into the dark sky at that moment, I sense that the comfort that I once found from the darkness has abandoned me, leaving me alone and desperate, searching for some form of solitude.
I feel anger, and bitterness. I taste jealousy and guilt. But long after these feelings fade away, an immense sense of failure and weariness lingers at the back of my throat. I feel worn out, like the sole of a shoe that has been used one too many time. I long to vent, to hear the satisfying crack of the stick against ball. I long to get drunk, to let the golden liquid burn its way down my throat and numb all senses. I long to let hot water scald my skin, long to let the steam rises and fog up the mirror in the bathroom.
But most of all, I long to fall asleep in the comforting arms of my bed, to snuggle under my covers and to never wake up. To never have to face the reflection in the mirror I see every morning, to never have to hear my parents speak of my failures, to never have to suffer the disappointments that are life.
There, at long last, I present to you: Me. Not the one you see ever so full of confidence and laughs. Not the one you see as carefree as a bird. But me, stripped of all defences, weary of life. Not the saint, but the devil in disguise.
I feel a hollowness inside that words can’t fully describe. Like the little kid at Christmas, unwrapping the stacks of presents all wrapped up in pretty colours, only to discover that it would have been better to leave them untouched.
Games, changes and fears, when will they go from here?
When will they stop?
